The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
