my vag is so smooth its legendary
sarcasm needs its own font
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just gargled with NyQuil
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
