you traded sex for a burrito?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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