I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
