So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
