Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
