My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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