I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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