Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
