I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
