I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
