I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
oh god the rape fog is back!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
