i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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