how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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