I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
