I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
