Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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