I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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