Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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