Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
