Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I will die if light touches me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I AM VODKA MAN
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
