Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
