What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
