Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
