i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
