he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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