I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
