I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
