What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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