I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize