I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
