i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ladies don't puke and tell
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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