I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize