I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
