the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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