I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
