So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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