If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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