I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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