for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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