I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
