Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
