I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
