All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
