1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
