i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
