I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
