new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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