i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
