Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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