Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
