Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
