My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
