I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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