I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
