I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
