3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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