I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
